A loss of a relationship can mean many things to many people. It can mean freedom, release of negative emotions and new opportunities. It can also mean grievance so profound that one may feel that they will never get over. Even if you are the one who has initiated the break up.
This is the way it is with my current situation. My daughter’s mother and I had lived together in a domestic partner relationship for nearly 11 years. Once we moved to another state and city in which we now reside, we decided that we would live in separate apartments. She and my daughter cohabitated with my daughter’s moms best friend. Our relationship, already rocky, seemed to decline from there. The intimacy was lost, even before we moved apart. Over the 3 years that we’ve lived here, I decided that our paths were destined to part. So on Monday, a week and a half ago, I had a talk with her. She was to go to therapy the next day, so I considered the timing advantageous. She was hurt, and kept talking about how we were supposed to become a family again. Then she said some very hurtful things which I can’t talk about here.
Things were OK during the rest of the week, until Sunday. All of a sudden, I had this urge to simply cry, as if I had lost something I will never again recover. For 8 straight hours, I cried in the solitude of my efficiency apartment. I’m sure the upstairs neighbor could have heard me. After that, I took meds to help me sleep, but found I didn’t want to get up the next morning. Not because of the meds, but because I felt too depressed to do anything. Grieving is a mysterious process. She wouldn’t come talk to me until the next day, a Monday. I begged and pleaded for her to forget about what I said. I was desperate to get back what I had so sullenly thrown away. Although, she didn’t take me back, she still knows that I love her, and it was probably the best thing to do. For each of us to have a little space. I began to feel a little better over the course of Tuesday, and now while I’m writing this in my writer’s group I feel like I did initially make the right decision.
I’ve just been to my writing group which is called “mindful writers” and includes meditative writing from the body, mind, and soul. We also meditate at the beginning, which helped clear my mind this week.
I’m also employing “therapeutic writing” to help ease the pain of the loss. I will update as to the process of therapeutic writing and meditation and how it is affecting my mood and how it can help you. I hope the worst is over.