The Medication Shuffle

It's time for a medication change. My doctor and I were going to do it on my next visit because I had just began another med change (dosage only). However, that's almost two months away, and that is two months I can't be like the way I am now. I've been taking Anafranil, of the older TCA class of antidepressants. It is also prescribed for OCD and is supposedly the "gold standard" for the treatment of OCD. My personal experience with this med is that when I try to increase the dosage to help control the depression, my obsessions become more difficult to manage. However, I need the increase to control the depression, which of the two, is more threatening for clear reasons.

Even though Effexor is a bear to get off of because of the incapacitating withdrawal symptoms, it had worked very well for me for over 7 years. It is an SNRI, a newer class of antidepressants (with significantly fewer side effects).  Since being off of it, my life seems to have kept going in a continual downward spiral. I just started about 4 days ago and will be titrating the dose up to a therapeutic level and titrating down the Anafranil. The effects of antidepressants can sometimes take a couple of weeks to a couple of months to be noticed.  I'm not certain whether or not is in my mind, but I am beginning to feel slightly more calm (Effexor is also prescribed for Anxiety disorders) and thus the OCD is less severe already. I hope this is a positive indication of things to come.

On Being and Nothingness

One week left to go for the Blogathon! I don't know whether to be happy or sad. Seriously. When I'm feeling well, I can make a decent post every now and then. But when I'm feeling unwell, it's difficult to stay focused. Like, this last week I've been obsessing over the question "Why is there something as opposed to nothing?". This is a question that science can not answer at the moment, or possibly never will. It belongs in the realm of Theists and Philosophers. Can you imagine nothing?

And, I know this to be the case, yet the question pervades my every atom. It resonates within me, like I may be able to do something about it, or provide an answer. Everyone thinks this at some point in their lives. But, when you get seriously caught up in the moment, you seem to detach from yourself. A feeling of unreality settles in. You may feel like you are in a dream. This is a fleeting glimpse of Depersonalization. And it's been devastating this week, along with the OCD and Depression.

Depersonalization Disorder is this, but every day of your life. At least for me. Over the years, it has gotten better, but when I start thinking deep questions sometimes the Depersonalization gets worse.

The OCD portion of my brain won't let me quiet this thought, or be at peace with it. It ruminates over and over in my mind. I guess if I had a compulsion component to it, it would be researching the question on the internet and reading philosophy books, both of which I do. I will expand on these ideas in a future post, but I want to give it its due attention, so I will ease away for now.

Writing Away Mental Illness

Battling OCD and ADD is a long war. You win some, you lose some. But it is a war worth fighting.  There are multiple lines of attack. You can try the medical management defense, which sometimes help. There are also time management strategies for ADD and cognitive behavioral therapy for OCD. But there is another weapon in the arsenal - the written word. After all, the pen IS mightier than the sword. Pun intended. 

The obsessions, although relentless and ravaging at times, can also help me as a writer. In a literal way. A group of obsessive thoughts may go like this: why can’t I see from another person’s perspective (both mentally and physically). Physically seeing something through some else's eyes is an impossibility (for now, at least) however, if I truly want to know something about someone, what better way than to describe them as a character.

I also obsess over occupations. My brain says “Why can’t I be in every occupation known to humankind?” This is an absurd thought, and I know it is not possible. Sure, when we are able to download information into our brains it will make it easier. But, until then, I’ll have to settle for normal research, and to carry that over into my fiction. While writing fiction, I can BE that other person. I can BE in that occupation. I can research to my heart’s content, although it may not satisfy that OCD beast. At least, it may quiet that SOB for a little while.

Sometimes, I think this is my subconscious telling me I need to get to work, already. How do I know this will work? Because it’s a game in my head and I’ve already seen the outcome. No, seriously. I need to get butt in chair and bang at the keyboard. Let it all loose. I think I will surprise myself. Like I said, I am a work in progress. I don’t have all the answers but I do know, writing is a catharsis, a release, if you will. These are not my only reasons for writing; I have many more. But it’s a pretty good motivational tool.

When I sit down to write, I have to force myself to think about one thing at a time, which is difficult to do with ADD. I consider it training time for my brain. It’s the only time when I have to slow my thoughts so that I can make at least SOME kind of sense.

How does writing help you? Do you feel a release of emotion when you write?

OCD and me

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental illness which manifests itself in many ways. There are almost as many ways as there are people who have it. Okay, I may have exaggerated a little. But there are many types of “burdens” in which the OCD sufferer is stricken with.  Some sufferers have thoughts of a negative nature that seem to come out of nowhere and for some reason the thoughts recycle in the persons mind. To overcome the guilt of those thoughts, they may act out a compulsory behavior such as praying for forgiveness or trying to take back the thoughts by repeating certain rituals. 

Other sufferers may feel that they are contaminated to such a degree that they must constantly wash their hands or whole body, sometimes bleeding in the process. Still others may keep stopping their vehicle and check to make sure that they have not run anyone over. 

The constant theme amongst OCD sufferers is a sort of doubt; doubt about their faith, cleanliness, safety. You name it. If you can think it, an OCD’er will come up with a way to doubt it. OCD is often known as the “doubting disease”.

I began to exhibit symptoms of OCD at a very young age, in the form of religious blasphemy. I had inappropriate thoughts about God, etc. I thought I may have been the anti-christ. How could I know I wasn’t? So, I prayed, and prayed… and prayed. I never did this in public because I was so ashamed of the thoughts that would not go away. 

When I was a teenager, I had counting rituals. I would say phrases and the last syllable would have to end with a tap with my left foot, and it almost always had to be an odd number. In a classroom, I had the repetitive thought that I couldn’t learn because everybody else’s “brainwaves” were interfering with my own. I knew the thought was illogical and for the most part, I didn’t believe it. But it did cause me to feel like I wasn’t learning to the best of my capabilities.

In the last twenty years, I have been plagued with existential questioning (who am I, what’s my purpose, am I real, how do I know others can see me, etc.). I would ruminate on these questions which eventually at the age of 17 led to a mental crisis (onset of depersonalization, which I’ll describe in a later post). In the past year, I have been obsessing over traffic patterns, occupations, you name it. I also get thoughts like “Why don’t I know everything? Why aren’t I omniscient? Why can’t I be every occupation ever thought of? Inside, I know these questions are ludicrous, but that element of doubt, of not knowing, just burns in my brain. This form of OCD is called "Pure Obsessional OCD" because there are usually no rituals or compulsions involved, just the thoughts.

Tomorrow, I will say a bit about how Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) affects me, and then on Saturday I’ll explain how writing can help ease the suffering in both of those disorders. And hopefully, by blogging about it, I’ll have to hold myself accountable and actually practice what I preach. 

Do you know somebody with OCD? How does it affect their lives?